Is it a fancy or a feeling?

I have, of late, discovered that Joy is not an automatic response of mine to the world. Though there are days when the chemicals are balanced just right, and I can exude more Cheer than there is light found in the sun, for me Joy is more of a labour than my nature.

As I have spent the past months wrestling with Change and Fear, I've realized that I so often pick up the worst habits of those around me.

The Pessimism and unhappy Withdrawal that comes with not wanting to deal with the world.
The self-centered Arrogance of believing that my Happiness can only be maintained by ignoring the troubles of others.
The easy avenue of Negativity, instead of the constant struggle to maintain a state of Optimism.


Someone told me the other day that they were happy to have me back at work, as I make the whole place more positive. My response was that that couldn't be the case, as I never come to work feeling cheerful - they immediately countered that I was wrong, as every group of friends they'd met of mine has said the same thing.
I was intrigued by this 20 second exchange, which the other person has probably forgotten about at this point.

How is it that anyone can perceive me as a constantly cheerful person? I'm pretty grumpy - a self-declared Troll with occasional bouts of externalized Happiness. I'm much more content when left to my own devices, than when in a group.
Everyone must be able to see the constant struggle for Cheer and Hope - the battle for that elusive Silver Lining.

You'd be surprised the amount of time you can come up with to ponder this question, while cleaning cages and attending to the animals staying at the vet clinic. Even more surprising are the epiphanies that happen while carrying bags of trash or mopping the floor, which can lead to a greater understanding of how you operate as a person.


It is only because of the conscious Choice to find Joy that I succeed.
My own Fear and Discouragement  could easily prevail, but it is through my decision to engage in the pursuit of Cheer that I succeed. The world is so full of easy Negativity, but I chase Joy in spite of it.

Much like Doubt is the constant companion and reenforcing foundation of my Faith, Negativity gives me reason to pursue Joy. I see what Negativity has to offer, and would rather struggle each day for a Happy Thought than give in meekly to the darkness.

Joy is a choice, and it's time that I made it permanent.

Personal Bubble

Wait for it! Your mind is about to be blown - I don't tell everyone everything that's going on with my life.

Boom.

I spend most moments of my waking life doing things - moving, producing, interacting, whatever. I like being productive, and I like spending my time on things that amuse myself and/or help others.

That being said, I don't like everyone knowing everything going on in my life. I'm a well-disguised introvert, who just really likes to have a private sphere of "Secret Plans, Plotting, and Stuff"in her life. Without it, I could never hope to one day take over the world and rule a realm of horsies, peanut butter and stage combat. My me-time and sphere are important to me.

I'm happy to share most of my life with my friends - but some of it needs to be just mine - even if only for a while.

Hashtag INFJ Problems.

A quick thought...

People keep asking why I'm going to RenFest practically every weekend.

The shows don't really change, the people don't really change, and it costs money... so why?


It's been a habit for so many years, I haven't really spent too much time thinking about it - that's where the majority of my expendable income goes. And today, it hit me why it's so important to me.

Faire feeds my creative spirit. Costuming, jewelry, general craftiness. Whenever I'm around the people I love, who spend their time doing the things they love, the more I'm able to tap into my own spirit. After spending months without even the least interest in creating, it's a refreshing and joyous change to be able to go at a project with gusto.

So I'll keep going to Faire and soak up that spirit and the precious time with my Faire family as best I can.

A quick vent

"A catcall is entirely about reminding you that you are not yours."

This quote right here beautifully explains why I *hate* being catcalled. I've expressed my irritation at the occurrence in the past, and people (mostly guys) have tried to calm me in the past by offering several of these 'soothing' statements; 

"It's just a compliment." 

"Don't be so bothered by it - it's not like it really affects you directly." 

"Let them think what they want - it's not like they're actually molesting you." 

"Why are you so uptight about it??"

"You should be flattered - it's good that someone finds you attractive, right?"

The problem with catcalling is men (and women)* assuming that it's alright to loudly and unabashedly say that someone's body is sexually attractive in their opinion. 

It doesn't matter how it's intended, it's objectifying someone. It's letting me know that my body has passed through their judgment, and that it's something that they would possess or use. 

I don't care if you appreciate me - that's entirely up to you - just realize that the way in which you are "appreciating" is demeaning. It's informing me, and everyone else in the vicinity, of your right to judge and belittle me, even though you may choose to 'appreciate' me in this case. 

Catcalling is your method of informing the immediate population that your judgment is superior to mine, and that you have a right over me.

Your hooting, whistling, and rather vulgar descriptions of how you would like to treat me, are for your own gratification - not mine. You want to assert yourself - I want nothing more than to go about my day. It doesn't matter what I'm wearing or how I'm carrying myself - I am not looking for the attention of a stranger, so keep it to yourself. Catcalling a woman in scrubs is just as bad as catcalling a scantily clad lady - neither one deserves your derision nor condescension.** 

It's not flattering. It's not attractive. It doesn't give me a sense of self-worth or satisfaction. It certainly doesn't make me think of you as a more likely partner.

Catcalling reminds me that my own self-image is worthless compared to that of the [wo]man throwing their opinion out into the streets. I am, in myself, nothing - just a body to be looked at, evaluated, and used. Your ego is edified, and my value is stripped away.

If you are just seeking your own edification, and would like to tear someone down, then catcalling is probably the best way to go about your business.

If, however, you would like to actually appreciate someone (woman or man), do not fret! There are lots of avenues to do so.

Give a [wo]man a flower. Give him/her a quiet compliment. Pay for their bus ticket or lunch anonymously. Hold the door (which, honestly, you should do regardless). If it's someone you know, spend time with them and appreciate the person. If it's someone you don't know, just give them a smile. 

They may not return the smile or favor, but you will have passed it along and brightened someone's day. 

Stop making appreciation about yourself, and make it about someone else.

* I say men and women, simply because I've experience both - but the overwhelming majority (all but two) have been men. ** And I said scrubs or scantily clad, because I've been catcalled in scrubs before - actually, the more modestly I dress, the more I've been catcalled, for whatever reason.

The original quote was pulled from this article, which is a very good read, in itself:

http://jezebel.com/female-purity-is-bullshit-493278191

A sweet song to remember

I have a soft spot in my heart for Arya and Gendry (Game of Thrones) - here's a song that was rather obviously written for them, but sung as an aside while they were horsing around:

My feather bed is deep and soft,

and there I'll lay you down,

I'll dress you all in yellow silk,

and on your head a crown.

For you shall be my lady love,

and I shall be your lord.

I'll always keep you warm and safe, 

and guard you with my sword.

And how she smiled and how she laughed, 

the maiden of the tree.

She spun away and said to him,

no featherbed for me.

I'll wear a gown of golden leaves,

and bind my hair with grass,

but you can be my forest love,

and me your forest lass.

Tom Sevenstrings, A Storm of Swords

<3

A little bit of Doubt for breakfast.

The last few days have been interesting - there has been a lot more debate and focus on womens' negative self image recently - both in general and among my friends. One young friend in particular was telling me to quit allowing a negative self image to creep into my own life, while being one of the worst perpetrators herself. A stunningly pretty girl who has little to no appreciation for herself - which, sadly, is the norm in today's world.


Yesterday, I had the opportunity once again to dress up and be a happy-go-lucky Melinda Pirate, followed by a fancy dress for the DramaTech Banquet. While I was floored and blessed by the compliments sent my way (I'd like everyone to appreciate that I just say 'Thank you' now, instead of protesting, as was my norm - working on that!), I just need everyone to be aware of the fact that I still felt gross, bloated, and generally unattractive, most of the day. And by most, I mean there were 10 or 15 minutes that I didn't feel overwhelmed by the feelings of 'OHHELLMELINDAYOUAREGROSS'.

The problem with a negative self image is definitely attitude, but there is an underappreciation of the fact that negative self-image and self-hate can be an addiciton. Whenever we reach a point that we can appreciate ourselves a little more, we're injected with another round of epistles, reminding us that we're not quite good enough. And so our obsessive cycle repeats.
Men and women are constantly hit with messages throughout their lives letting them know that their own unique, irreplaceable and incomparable beauty is just not good enough - because it isn't someone else's. We're all taught by society that being ourselves is inadequate - we must strive to be The Other. American society idolizes individuality and independence, while still being one of the biggest marketers and 'pushers' of blending in and conforming.

"Every woman is beautiful" [Subtext: but the women we're showing you? That's our minimum standard for allowing into our commercials. We auditioned and culled the hell out of the 'real' women, ie all models, who came by.] - Dove Real Beauty Campaign

We need to realize that these attitudes and feelings are piped into us throughout our entire lives. We are constantly reminded that we aren't what society deems perfect, so naturally, we begin to believe it.
I believe that it is important to remind our friends that we find them beautiful, but a single conversation cannot change the way we see ourselves. You have to realize that the gorgeous person that you see standing before you, who cannot see it themselves, has a labyrinth throughout their mind that have repeatedly been manipulated throughout their entire life to shape the thoughts that seem so illogical to the outside observer.
In order for us to find our way out of self-doubt and self-loathing, we have to constantly run down hallways, following the voices of our friends that laud our self-worth and beauty. We have to be brave enough to keep going, even when we hit dead-ends.
It's an unending battle that needs to be fought by the members of my generation, as well as many in those following and preceding.

In my own life, it's a constant fight. While I've seen tremendous improvement in my attitude about myself this year, both in personality and looks, it's still a niggling feeling in the back of my head that the world would be better off if I went and found a hijab.
I can just hear you saying to a computer screen - "Melinda - just *look* at yourself."

And my only response would be to say - "I am."

Better a neighbor nearby, than a brother far away...

Anyone who's been around me long enough to get drawn into a conversation with me lately has been regaled about my new-found adoration of the show Supernatural. Hilarious, well written, and full of eye-candy - it's well worth the watch. 

Premise: A pair of brothers, driving across the continent hunting ghost and demons and monsters - their personalities clash fantastically, and the rainbow of characters and adventures they encounter along the way just make the experience a joy.

But honestly, I think that one of the reasons that I'm so drawn to Supernatural is simply the brothers' relationship dynamic.

Though perversely backwards, Sam's striking out from home and his father's expectations is very much like my sister. And I, clinging doggedly to my family and placing respect of my parents above most any other type of behavior - though it may irk and chafe me - am similar to Dean. 

My sister and I were raised travelling, always - never with other children as companions for long, never with solid connections to anyone but the most immediate of family. We had tenuous relationships with cousins and passing friends in the long line of homes, but never anyone solidly there our whole lives, except each other.

We fought, we shouted, we commiserated, we strained - and yet, we were always there for one another. Two very different little girls - trapped together and wishing to get away, but simultaneously clinging to each another as if our lives depended on it. Because without one another, we were alone.

Once we got to the States and settled, all of that changed. We found our clicks, we found the people that made our lives make sense and made our hearts beat one skip happier. And while we continued to fight, we no longer clung to one another. We had very different outlooks on life, and we didn't see the value in keeping the other as close as she'd been in our previous life. 

I do not hesitate to admit that, in a large part, this was my choice. I was tired of being lumped in with my sister, of constantly being bound to her. I wanted my freedom and to get away - to relinquish the responsibility of being an older sister. I felt like I'd been one for too long, and now I wanted to do my own thing.

So for any feelings of dismissal or lack of caring that she may have felt, I declare myself completely and utterly, shamefully guilty.

And when I went away to college, that only made it worse. While I gained my freedom for a time and began to change more quickly than ever before, she was stuck where she'd been for so long. Stifled and overwhelmed by parents tutting and worrying about their babes leaving the nest, she was quashed and, ever the more rebellious child, made a dash for her freedom whenever she could. She rebelled against the norms of going to college, partially because she didn't know where she wanted to go, and also because she didn't see the value of it in her life. So, after a semester or two, she dropped out and worked for a while.

After a long march of rebellious and difficult years, she's finally moved down to Florida with her boyfriend, and is making a life for herself there.

I certainly noticed our drift apart, and some of the initial ramifications, when I came back from college the first few times. When I was overseas for a few months, I vowed to change and become a better big sister to her. Obviously, I didn't have the staying power or patience to do that.

And again, the further she drifted, the more I judged and the more I disapproved. And the less patience I had - the less time I took.

I let my own frustrations and needs get in the way of being a good older sister - of looking out for her and letting her know how much I love her. And from the rotten seeds that I have sown, I now have a dying, if not dead, relationship with a woman who was once my little sister.

The value and hard work of the brothers really strikes me - though they fight and have such opposing personalities, they stick together. Because they'd be lost without the other.

I swear my heart shatters a little, every time Dean says that he'll always be there and look out for Sam. He's the older sibling that, to my regret, I never was. He loved his brother, through and through, and would do anything for him.

I wasn't that sister, and fear that it is too late for me to ever truly become so.

Intriguing Quotes

A few quotes that have been intriguing to me the past few days.. probably because I find good application for them in my current life.


"... You are still too angry, and your mind is still too cluttered. Keep hold of the things you need to remember, but don't let them distract ou from what is happening. Find a place of calm within yourself, and let the concerns of the world wash over you without sweeping you away with them."

 - Glaedr, Inheritance.

"... You do it so people can live their lives. And there's nothing more important than that. Falling in love, getting married, buying flats, having kids or not. But real life, that's what you're protecting. And if you're starting to think that your shit is more important than real life, then we're not going to last very long here, love."

- Rhys, Torchwood: Adrift.

I'll probably be adding more in the coming days, but I liked them.

And Yet...

They tell me that I cannot do it.

I say that I can.