Another installment of Cosmic Irony

Just a pointless note to myself today.

Over the past year and a half, I've undergone some relatively significant personality shifts - most of these is thanks to my experiences at DramaTech.

While trying to find my bearing throughout the year (I look back on it with a wistful sense of longing now - at the time I wanted nothing more than for the year to be done, I assure you), I admit that when it came to working for DT, I fluctuated from completely, irresponsibly diffident to overbearingly assertive.
Many of these moments in time are crystal clear to me - amazing for my own growth and learning, but I feel bad for anyone who was around me.
Over the course of the year, through a lot of work and inward-reflection, I became more confident in my role as president, and did my best to fulfill my duties as well as I was able. Who knows how well that *actually* turned out - all that matters for now is that I am content with my efforts.

ANYway - towards the end of the year, as I was beginning to become reflective about my time as president, I sought out some reflections on how I'd developed/was seen as a person. A report I received from a friend (in the best of intentions and remarkable honesty) painted me as having become horrifically self-assured and arrogant at times, which rocked my little world.
It ticked me off, and then set me on the road to avoid ever being described that way again.

Admittedly, I haven't been great about fixing the issue with the friends that I've needed to the most (primarily because A. I'm really, really bad at that, and B. because I no longer really spend time with any of them). I'd like to think that I've progressed to some degree, though.

The amusing bend in my tale, however, came today.

I was digging through my desk, clearing out papers and trying to sort out the mess that has accumulated there over the past two years. Among a pile of random papers, I found a long prescription paper from  my counsellor.

Note: I haven't ever really made a big deal about having gone to see a therapist. The biggest deal was[is] me getting over myself and my pride, in order to walk in the door and admit I needed[need] help. There was a lot of depression going on towards the beginning of the school year, as well as some home-issues that I don't want to go into. That's really all it boils down to for the purposes of this post.

I glanced through the case-note to see if there was anything relevant enough for me to keep it, and I was highly amused by what I saw.
Apparently, over the course of me seeing my psychological advisor (challenge the phrasing - I dare you), he decided that I had some emotional issues to work out (obviously), as well as needing... Assertiveness ... Assertiveness. [No kidding, it's written twice]

Commence Melinda's raucous laughter.

I've gotten rid of everything but the prescription, primarily because I'll be amused by this lesson many years from now.

Too many steps in the right direction can still be the first step in the wrong direction.

In stunned silence

So, it won't come as a real shock to anyone who's spent any time with me that I'm not much of a good conversationalist. While I can respond and hold my own in conversation, if I'm the driving force in that verbal relationship, it'll be a short one.
I'm really not sure as to the 'why and wherefore' of this habit. I've always got a million thoughts racing through my head, making it difficult to think about any one thing for very long. There are so many things that I'd like to say. But somehow, I just can't say them.

The only time in the day that my brain draws a complete blank, though, is when I'm facing someone - knowing I'd like to talk to them. And somehow, the little trains of thought all crash into self-doubt and questioning, because I know that I have drawn up blanks (and will continue doing so). While being self-aware is a blessing, it's also a curse - it makes me more nervous, knowing my short-comings and habits, coupled with not knowing how to fix them.

I've begun to justify being quieter as just trying to avoid inane chatter - trying to not waste anyone's time with things not needing to be said.
Better to wait and only speak when you have something hugely relevant and important to say, Melinda.
Over the past months, this feeling has been getting stronger and stronger - and while I think it's a relevant thought, I also think it's helping me hide from the problem. Which means, I'll fluctuate from non-stop speed-talking to not being able to make myself say anything. As annoying as it is for you, it's infinitely more frustrating for me - trust me.

Note: There are several people with whom I'm getting better about this. This is just my general, everyday mind-mess.


Now - just for fun - couple that with another habit of mine; the more strongly I feel a positive emotion, the less likely you are to see me externalize it. What I mean by that is, when I'm incredibly grateful, embarrassed, or joyous, I have an impossibly hard time expressing it.
I'm quite literally silenced by the emotion.
While I can say Thank You to a compliment, or express my gratitude for a gift or help, it always feels so inadequate. Responding in kind also feels empty to me, as I'm just reflecting your words back to you...

You were so sweet, so kind to lift me up. To remind me that you care. How do I say that I feel the same way? That I'm so grateful to you?

To me, my compliments always sound trite - poorly worded. While I may mean what I say with every ounce of humanity I possess, it still sounds prosaic. Hollow, even.


I just wish the spoken word and I got along better. Because I really would like to be able to express how much you mean to me.