In stunned silence

So, it won't come as a real shock to anyone who's spent any time with me that I'm not much of a good conversationalist. While I can respond and hold my own in conversation, if I'm the driving force in that verbal relationship, it'll be a short one.
I'm really not sure as to the 'why and wherefore' of this habit. I've always got a million thoughts racing through my head, making it difficult to think about any one thing for very long. There are so many things that I'd like to say. But somehow, I just can't say them.

The only time in the day that my brain draws a complete blank, though, is when I'm facing someone - knowing I'd like to talk to them. And somehow, the little trains of thought all crash into self-doubt and questioning, because I know that I have drawn up blanks (and will continue doing so). While being self-aware is a blessing, it's also a curse - it makes me more nervous, knowing my short-comings and habits, coupled with not knowing how to fix them.

I've begun to justify being quieter as just trying to avoid inane chatter - trying to not waste anyone's time with things not needing to be said.
Better to wait and only speak when you have something hugely relevant and important to say, Melinda.
Over the past months, this feeling has been getting stronger and stronger - and while I think it's a relevant thought, I also think it's helping me hide from the problem. Which means, I'll fluctuate from non-stop speed-talking to not being able to make myself say anything. As annoying as it is for you, it's infinitely more frustrating for me - trust me.

Note: There are several people with whom I'm getting better about this. This is just my general, everyday mind-mess.


Now - just for fun - couple that with another habit of mine; the more strongly I feel a positive emotion, the less likely you are to see me externalize it. What I mean by that is, when I'm incredibly grateful, embarrassed, or joyous, I have an impossibly hard time expressing it.
I'm quite literally silenced by the emotion.
While I can say Thank You to a compliment, or express my gratitude for a gift or help, it always feels so inadequate. Responding in kind also feels empty to me, as I'm just reflecting your words back to you...

You were so sweet, so kind to lift me up. To remind me that you care. How do I say that I feel the same way? That I'm so grateful to you?

To me, my compliments always sound trite - poorly worded. While I may mean what I say with every ounce of humanity I possess, it still sounds prosaic. Hollow, even.


I just wish the spoken word and I got along better. Because I really would like to be able to express how much you mean to me.