A point about myself that I've always taken pride in is that I'm abnormal. Not the sort of abnormal that would have gotten me shut away in an insane asylum 100 years ago, but I have my own way of doing things.
When I was about six years old, I distinctly remember someone from my class say that I was 'weird', and I thanked them. Not only were they confused, but I was pleased by it. My parents will tell you it's because I've always been a contrary person, but even if that's the reason, I've reveled in being an oddity as long as I can remember. And though I possess this self-assured part of my nature, I've had a long, hard road to learn to love myself. Just like every person in the world (I know I make that disclaimer at least once every post, but I feel it's important to remind myself that I'm not alone in my challenges).
Until I hit college, I didn't find my passions or the people who shared them. Heck, I've still got a billion passions to find - but now I know that there are people out there who share them. It's been an amazing formative journey to discover that even though I'm offbeat, I'm not all alone out there. Dragon*Con and RenFest are a couple of those places that are stuffed full of people that make me feel normal, oddly. I have several friends who've visited those environments and said that it was too freaky for them - but those are the places that are just chock-full of people who make my life a home.
So imagine my shock and surprise when, today, I was named a 'weird' by a good friend of mine, and it actually stung! I'm relatively sure that I actually recoiled at the term being flung at me, and it's been bothering me all day.
I still can't pin down what exactly it was that bothered me so about the incident. Maybe it was the venom with which it was spat, as this is someone that I truly hold dear to me. Maybe it was a moment of vulnerability (clearly, I've been having too many the past few days). Or maybe, I'm just trying to find my footing, as I'm preparing to no longer be living in an environment where nerdiness and geekdom are celebrated. Regardless, it was one of those moments that make everything slip a little out of focus, and make you view your entire life differently.
And the reset that has occurred within my brain today is telling me that clearly, me liking being called 'weird' was just me being cheeky all these years - which means that I *am* weird, it's not something to be proud of, and I should fix it. *sigh* I know it's not right, but that's what came out of it.
Learning to love yourself takes time and effort - probably just as much, or more, effort than a relationship with someone you know *really* well. And every time you screw-up, you realize that the person that most has to forgive the mess-up is yourself. I'm not good at that. While I love aspects of my personality, the self-guilting is something I really need to attack and defeat within myself. I dwell on the negative that I find inside of me, rather than approaching it as a learning and growing opportunity.
Admitting that you have a problem is the first step towards solving it. We'll find out, won't we?
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