The finite limits of the Mind, and the endless hurt it can cause my Heart

A little while ago, I realized that I was beginning to rebound after the ending of my last relationship. Upon determining this crush actually existed, I had a couple of choices – ignore it (Lawful Good), act on it (Chaotic Evil in every way), or crush it (Lawful Evil). I ignored it for a while, enjoying his attention and getting to know him a little better, while still trying to pick myself up after the most recent experiment of being in a relationship. There was, however, ANOTHER LADY – and though nothing had really gone on between them (from what I’ve been told - I’d say that’s a load of hogwash), holy hell – it hurt. I was surprised at how desperately I did not like that situation. After dancing around the subject for a week or two more, I felt that I’d had it and decided it was time to do something about this crappy crush that had become much bigger than I’d suspected.

So I decided to do what I’ve been great at for a long time – I decided to crush the crush.
I spent a good two days internally seething and cauterizing that emotion for him out of my heart. At the end of it all, I found that I had succeeded in my efforts; the crush was crushed.

Fast-forward a few weeks (which felt like decades) – I’d graduated, I’d worked at GARF for a while, I’d started some job training – everything was hunky-dory. I’m chatting with said former crush - Mr.See-Saw – and he had been under the impression that I was angry with him, or at least that something had me out of sorts enough to make him really uncomfortable around me.
Interesting, I think. After a while, it comes out that I’d been working on forcibly suppressing my heart to give up its silly notions of affection, as my brain certainly knows what is better for me. I’d been sort of miserable during the experience and a fair bit after, but life was moving along. And, not to toot his horn, Mr.See-Saw came up with one of the most profound things I’ve ever heard. In response to me explaining my actions, he said that I ‘should not seek to crush the infinite with the finite.’ [close, but not the exact quote – need my phone for that..] The actions of your finite mind, which is all of *your* understanding, should not seek to suppress or control or quench the needs of the heart, which links you to everything greater than your own understanding.

Beautifully said – poetic and lovely, and oh so right. And I appreciated the wisdom extended to me, and I’ve continued on friendly terms as best I can. And I’ve moved right along.

Or so I thought.

A few days ago, while I’ve been going through a transition, I realized how huge that lesson is for me. The pure action of destroying that emotion for anyone has had a lot of later consequences that I couldn’t have foreseen. It has also rebuilt several of my walls, including terror at the thought of vulnerability or commitment to any person. Mistrust in myself when handling the emotions of any one person. A lack of desire to really connect with anyone that I don’t know intimately already. A ridiculous need to cling to someone important to me.

But most importantly, the remorse I have for the action isn’t nearly enough to re-open that door I slammed shut with my mind. My silly, finite, incredibly limited mind decided that the heart didn’t need an emotion – and I, in my childishness, decided to let it make my decisions for me.