Sunshine Predicted

The past few days, I have been feeling peculiar - pretty different from the past couple of months. After several comments passed my way about how oddly I was acting, it dawned on me that chipper, bouncy Melinda was back in the house. I felt energetic, cheerful, engaged, and... well just lighthearted. Two and a half months into training, I finally felt like myself. 

And the peculiar thing is, that made me sad after realizing it. 

Throughout this whole training period I've been feeling somewhat stifled (though I've been doing much better over the past month) - it was jarring and sad to realize that this whole time I've just not been myself. I would definitely attribute lots of that to culture shock, the departure from my norm, and getting sick. And generally, though I can force myself out of that habit, I consider myself pretty shy - so completely rebuilding my social network  has put a bit of a strain on me.

It's hard to realize how much of a rut I've been in, and just how differently I've appeared to a lot of new people in my life, all of whom I've come to care greatly for. I feel almost like I've been deceptive about myself to the people who didn't know me before. I know it's not true, and if anything, I was doing a good job portraying the emotions I felt, but even so... I just so wish that joyful Melinda would have rolled in a good deal earlier.

That being said, having my normal self clock-in unexpectedly this week was uplifting beyond belief. Amusingly, the last comment that really made me reflect on myself was when someone mentioned that I was completely "cracked out" on the coffee that I'd had today (admittedly, there was a lot, and it was delicious). I laughed it off, but realized how good it felt to finally be goofy and merry with no effort.

In summary:

I miss being the girl called 'Sunshine.' I miss my mirth and the ability to always find a silver lining and have a good attitude about what I'm experiencing. I miss always finding something to make me laugh. I miss being joyful without having to try.

Beware world - I had a kick of Sunshine this week, and I don't plan on letting this high escape me for long. Challenges may come, but good gracious - I like being myself. Ridiculous laugh, bad timing, annoying optimism, awkwardness, and all.